Grateful

Last night, on the evening of this holiday we call Mother's Day, I sat here at my computer wanting somehow to express the depth of my feelings as I took time to think back on my journey to motherhood. Mother's Day wasn't always an easy day for me, as I know it isn't for many people in so many different ways. And though I relish it now, there is still a part of me that feels sadness on this day.

For those who wait.

For those who have lost.

And so it was that I sat quietly, staring at the empty screen. Wanting to express my heart with words that don't exist. I eventually gave up and went to bed yet feeling as though I still had unfinished Mother's Day "business." And though the words may never come, I will try to explain a little of what I'm talking about. (And then I promise we will get back to regular programming - I know I still owe you all some photos from our trip!). :o)

Mine was not the typical story of boy meets girl, they get married, wait two years, have a baby and live happily ever after. No, mine was a journey of faith that led me to question all that I believe, forced me to trust when I wanted to give up, and ultimately took me to heights I never knew possible.

Being a mother has always been my heart's desire. It was implanted deep within my soul from the time I was a little girl. I also developed a special heart for adoption at a very young age, and it was an active part of my future dreams. From the time I was small, my mom always prayed with me at night for my "future husband." When I reached junior high age, I continued to pray for my husband as well as my "future children." Even then, I felt that God had something big in store for me, though I knew nothing of the journey that was to come. I believe that even those prayers, innocently prayed by a young girl, were the beginnings of God starting to work in my heart as He continued to orchestrate the life events that would one day lead me to where I sit right now. When people on the street see me today, I look no different than other mothers of small children.

But I feel different.

And I hope that feeling never goes away. Because if it does, it means I've forgotten the journey that brought me to this point. The tears shed and many prayers spoken on my behalf by countless prayer warriors. The struggles, difficulty, depression and anger that finally led to acceptance and peace with my situation. The deepened relationship with the God I love. The heartbreak, sacrifice, and elation that collided on a chilly day in February, resulting in my motherhood to the most precious little boy to walk this earth. The way God surprised me with a pregnancy as only He could when I didn't think I could possibly be surprised after so many years of trying to conceive. The way God brought me through the first lonely and challenging (yet joy-filled) year of caring for two, small babies. The complete and utter way that I can be smitten and frustrated with my kids all in five minutes time (because that means I really am a mom, right?!). I don't want to forget one single thing.

I don't want to forget that God is still in the miracle business, and sometimes we are so busy with life that we miss the miracles that are happening right before our eyes. I don't want to forget that God answers prayer. Not always in the way we think we want or expect. But He knows best, and sometimes His answer, though a long time in coming, is better than anything we could have dreamed up for ourselves. I don't want to forget that joy and pain can be so closely related that it's sometimes difficult to tell the difference. That there is beauty in the simple, everyday moments as well as in the once-in-a-lifetime. That God is sovereign over all. With Him there is no "plan B." This was always how He planned it to be. For our good and His glory.

There aren't words to speak what my heart feels. God knows my heart. But there are other people, very special people, intricately woven into the story of my motherhood who can't see my heart. And because I am human, I fear that I don't always do the right things or say the right words. But please know this: I am humbled. Honored. Blessed.

Grateful.

With love and hugs,
M